Throughout my 50 years, I've perceived the world in shades of hope, despair, depression, and often, shame. Since my earliest memories, I've felt an unwarranted guilt for the deeds of others – deeds that should have carried their shame. I perpetually grappled with a sentiment of inadequacy, with shame always lurking in the shadows, whispering, "It's not what you did, but who you are."

For decades, I bore this oppressive shroud of shame, intensified by society's unforgiving scrutiny and its prevalent misconceptions about mental health. I often caught wind of murmured conversations, insinuating that individuals like me, those wrestling with their internal tempests, were labeled "dangerous." Consequently, I became adept at silencing my feelings, retreating into my shell, and safeguarding the most vulnerable facets of my soul from external judgment.

Yet, amidst this isolation, God graced me with good friends; when my inner turmoil nearly consumed me, their voices said, "You're not alone in this journey." Their unwavering support often proved to be the lifeline that anchored me away from my bleakest moments.

My childhood relationship with my mother was a tangled web of confrontations and neglect, set against the backdrop of my mental health challenges and bouts with addiction. Having had previous experiences with men battling bipolar disorder—her first husband was institutionalized, and she ended up divorcing my father—my mother's patience was stretched thin. To her, my struggles appeared not as cries for help but as acts of rebellion, disrespect, and sin, thus deepening the shame I felt.

My experiments with self-medication began in seventh grade. In hindsight, I might have started earlier had I been in a larger school. It's an unfortunate truth that many resort to this escape route. Teens and pre-teens grappling with mental health issues are particularly vulnerable to the allure of drugs as a means of escape.

Shame is directly connected to addiction, depression, suicide, bullying, aggression, violence, and eating disorders. The more you can look at the experiences as bad (guilt) instead of turning bad experiences inward on yourself (shame), the less these will be experienced. Shame and addiction are so intertwined we don’t even know where one starts and the other ends, did you begin self medicating because you full of shame? Are you full of shame because you’re self-medicating? It’s the perfect storm…….I had so many yeses.

When I am depressed, the messages in my head of terrible self-worth problems are relentless: who will love you? how can I do better so my family will want me? What will come of me next year, next month? Why didn’t my dad want us? When you are going through these periods of darkness, not having family support compounds the shame.

 “My attitude is that if you push me towards something you think is my weakness, then I will turn that perceived weakness into a strength.”

Michael Jordan

About eight years ago, I became part of Life Recovery, a faith-driven 12-step recovery group. Over time, I began to trust that the women who consistently shared their stories week after week could truly understand, care for, and perhaps even love me despite knowing my deepest insecurities. I learned the transformative power of vulnerability, especially when in the company of those who offer a haven. Through countless meetings where we exchanged our experience, strength, and hope, I discovered that I am not terminally unique, realizing that my battles with shame are shared by many.

Today, with the support of my newfound family, a recovery family. I am on a quest to shed the oppressive weight of shame that has silently burdened me for decades.

Thanks for reading,

A Broken Mind Editor,

Michelle Hall